Introducing . . . .

Today was a cultural milestone for our family: we attended our first “introduction”, sort of an official engagement party, a melding of the western idea of rings and engagement and dressing up and cake with the African tradition of the man’s family coming to the prospective bride’s family with their bride price of goats and gifts. So some aspects were very familiar to us: pink and white ribbons, festive balloons, the bride feeding the groom cake, speeches, rings. Other parts reminded us that we are not in Kansas, so to speak, such as when the gifts we brought (goats) began munching on the building (banana leaf shelter). We loaded up four vehicles just after noon, which we had decorated with flowers, balloons, and toilet paper, to bring Ndyezika’s delegation of about 50 people to Juliet’s uncle’s home. They had set up tarps on poles to provide shade in the grass out front. The groom’s family and supporters sat on one side facing the bride’s family of another almost 50 people on the other side. There were welcomes, prayers, a “break-lunch” (like breakfast, but about five hours later?), and then the games began. Juliet’s brother very dramatically asked why we had all come to their home, because they had been planning another function and wondered what this major interruption was. Then Ndyezika’s spokesman went WAY around the bush several times with much laughter until he finally named the woman they were seeking. To this the bride’s family responded that her father had a hundred children, so they were not sure where to find her. She might be in Masindi, but they would need petrol for the motorcycle to go look for her. The groom’s mukwenda (negotiator, go-between, spokesman) produced and envelope of money, and a bride-relative was send on a pretend motorcycle with sound effects around the yard looking. He sadly came back and reported she was not found. This charade went on for several rounds, i.e. Here is the aunt and she can call Juliet but she needs air time for the phone . . . Finally a half dozen OTHER girls were brought out, and the mukwenda had to pay their transport to get them out of the way. On the last round another half-dozen young women came out of the house veiled, literally they had sparkling nylon scarves completely covering their head and face. They bowed down and the hid, and the groom’s people stalked around discussing which one was Juliet. They finally chose, and they were correct! At that point Juliet then sat by Ndyezika, on our side.

Then the negotiations started, and it all became a lot less fun. I found it hard to restrain myself, because I know a number of people on the bride’s side, and their histories (defilement of young girls, multiple wives, serial marriages, wife-beating, alcoholism), and the fact that NOT ONE of them has been officially married in a church or paid anything CLOSE to what they were demanding from Ndyezika. We were mercifully seated to the side and told to keep quiet, so we did. Both sides made dramatic exits en masse at different points. The booty we brought included 10 goats, a cow, 50 kg of sugar, 8 crates and 2 jerry cans (40L) of beverages, a mattress, lantern, hoe, boxes of soap, a suit and a dress, a jerry can of paraffin, I can’t even remember what else! It was quite a pile of gifts. The first goat was judged to be too young (requiring extra money). The cow was rejected on the grounds of being male (requiring extra money). And the huge stack of money was rejected on the basis of being half of the absurd amount asked for (though still probably 5 to 10 times what most people pay). It took a couple of hours to resolve all this, but in the end they accepted all the gifts and animals but declared that Ndyezika has a debt for more money, but the ceremony could go on. Everyone seemed happy with this, though it still made me sad to see men of this caliber putting more burden on the young couple, all for greed. At that point we were hours into the day, it was almost evening, and our restless kids and we were all tired.

But then the day was redeemed. Ndyezika and Juliet gave each other rings, inexpensive metal wedding bands, which they will shift to the proper finger when they are actually married but for now serve as symbols of their commitment. Ndyezika spoke first, without any qualms, a beautiful speech that brought tears to my eyes, about how he had prayed for a godly wife and how God had answered his prayers, how he had waited and worked for Juliet to be his wife for a long, long time, how he would be faithful all the way to death. It was the only part of the day that really gave any glimpse of the holiness and reality of marriage. It was very moving. Then Juliet also spoke, about the power of God and of prayer, about how amazing it was that they had reached this moment, about how this ring showed that she was waiting for Ndyezika and for the day she would marry him. She turned then and looked right at the haggling family members who had been difficult for the last several hours and said basically: “God is so powerful and has so clearly brought this about, that if anyone thinks they can disturb our marriage, I laugh in their face.” It was about the boldest statement I could imagine. She was poised and stunningly beautiful and the two of them are so happy, it made all the other unpleasantness worthwhile.

It was only at the very end, the 6 or 7 hour mark, that the “Introductions” (which is what the day is named) were made. Ndyezika’s uncles decided to blend us into their family, which was sweet. So when “fathers” were called, they stood up with Scott. Then “mothers” included Ndyezika’s mother and me. “Brothers” included our boys, and “sisters” included Julia. We also had to do many groupings of photos with all of the above as the sun set.

Ndyezika and Juliet are one of the only couples I’ve ever known here to make a commitment to wait on living together until marriage, to go through all the proper family channels. They are taking a courageous road less traveled, and they will no doubt meet opposition. Her father has already mysteriously delayed the wedding for another month. So they can still use your prayers, to pull off the church ceremony and meet all the family demands. Pray that many other young people would have the desire to follow this path, would see the joy and beauty of their relationship and dare to aspire to something like it!